Mixed emotions

A couple of days ago my brother Doug was killed in a bicycle accident. I've cried all I can cry for now, gone through the shock, but still not in complete acceptance. I just simply does not seem real. I can't seem to grasp that this has happened. Monday I will leave to AZ to be with the rest of my family, his sweet family he's left behind, and face him one last time. I don't know how to describe what I feel right now so, I'm just going to ramble to keep me occupied since I can't sleep.

I keep thinking of all my brothers at this time. I feel that my family life was so unique and really love the thought of being surrounded by so many good men all my life. They've all played an important roll in my life but now it seems dented...is that a word?

My feelings right now are sad and anxious. I want closure but nor sure if I'm ready for it or not. I don't like sadness and avoid it at all cost. This case is unavoidable. Seeing my brothers upset and emotional is even harder. To say a man that can cry is sweet and shows he's sensitive may be true, but to me right now it is possibly more than I can bear. I don't want to see my brothers this way. Torn and devastated. I couldn't even call them and had to call their wives instead. I just don't like sadness. And I don't want see my brothers sad. It sounds crazy I'm sure but it makes me feel sick. It makes my heart ache. As the sister, I feel it's my job to be the cry baby but to also be the comforter and just can't seem to put finger on it on how to be strong for them. I have always strongly felt that for some reason I would play an important role keeping my family together. I had that impression about 6 years ago and it inspired me to begin a family newsletter. I felt that same feeling once again.

As the tears roll my down my cheeks (which is quite a ways to go because I've got big cheeks) I'm not even sure what I'm sad about. Maybe I just need to cry, to cry.

I'm sad for my parents. I don't know what this must feel like to them. You can have a hundred kids but they will never replace THAT one. I'm sad for Mary his wife. She must feel so lost and alone. His children. He was a good father, I know. Like I've said, I'm sad for my brothers to be so sad. That for some reason is so hard for me to take in. I'm not quite sad that Doug's gone because I just haven't seen it for myself yet but the thought is pretty terrifying.

Doug was a good brother. He always called me L.B. That memory makes me smile.

I'm grateful for all the kind words, thoughts, memories and prayers that have been out there for him. It's made things a little lighter. I'm not surprised he had so many friends. Funerals are hard but they remind us of the best things in people and with that I find happiness. I could use some happiness.

For the past couple of days I have been fully embraced with LOVE. Real Love. It's amazing. It's kept me going. Thinking about it already makes me feel better. The truthfulness of the Gospel helps me have comfort and I know my pain is understood.

Ah, enough. (Sorry, for those who actually read through all this rambling but thanks for hearing me out.) The pictures are random but it was the last time I saw him.