Managing May Memories

May seemed to be a month of ongoing activities. Liam finished up the school year with every party, festival, celebration that could come to mind. It was exhausting. We loved his teacher. She was great to Liam and me. So I made her a bag. That added to the exhausting events. I was happy for school to be done. I can breathe again. (In a couple more weeks I'll be ready for school to be back in session!)

Outside of school, I participated in something new. Something I thought I would never play a role in or even actually heard of until this past month. The Ride of Silence. It's done world wide every year on May 19. It's in memory of those who have had a loved one killed by a motor vehicle while riding. Unfortunately, this now relates to me.

I still don't relate much to cycling personally but I've become more aware because I have several family members that ride. I don't even own a bike!

I decided that I would just go to show my support and wear my "Team Flynn" jersey. I knew that those that would be riding from my family that evening would also be wearing their jerseys. It was a very powerful and personal experience feeling that unity to my family even though we were far away from one another.

The boys drew pictures and I brought pictures of Doug. The riders were so kind. They wanted to hear about Doug. They shared their losses and near death experiences on their own bike rides. They were happy to have me come just for the support and asked me to speak a few words. That I was not prepared for but anyone who knows me knows I've always got something to say, it's just keeping it down to a "few." I managed.

To close the month its always with the nice holiday Memorial Day. This year Memorial Day fell on what would have been my brother Doug's 38th birthday. I dreaded the day because I wasn't for sure how I would feel. It was the one day I always talked to him because I would always call. Once again, I managed.

It amazes me that it has been almost 9 months since his death and I still think of him so often. It seems like things trigger memories more often than I recall before his death. Of course, I realize that this isn't necessarily the case but that the memory isn't just a memory anymore but something I'm trying to hold on to and actually grasp so that it doesn't fade or become vague. It's realizing that no more memories will be made.

I still think about his wife and his sweet little ones. I pray often that they can be strong, find comfort and continue to move on. That she might find another good man to care for her and the children. They will need a father.

Doug and his new little one. I love this pic because he was happy despite the suffering from newborn time adjustment!The girls.

I get a lump in my throat just typing about the matter. I thought by now I would be able to speak of him without getting emotional. Sometimes I still feel the need to shed a tear. I've learned that even though we were far apart in age and we have never lived near by one another for a long time that love runs much deeper. It's what holds the line together no matter the distance.